October 24th, 2011

Ranking Derek Holland’s Mustache

Derek Holland’s World Series Game 4 performance speaks for itself.

So does his mustache.

Some historians have already gone so far as to say that it’s the best mustache in World Series history.

With that in mind, it’s necessary to compare Derek’s crumb catcher with some of the other greats of our time.

Tom Selleck might be the “complete game shutout” of mustaches. Full of color and texture, it’s virtually as good as it gets.

Edge: Magnum P.I.

Dr. Phil’s mustache lacks the rich color of Sellecks, yet is refined and distinguished. I fear young Derek will have to wait a few more months (or years) to reach this level.

Edge: Oprah’s guy

Remember Rojo Johnson?  If you missed it, he returned to the mound in 2010 to pitch for the Round Rock Express after spending four years in prison for stealing, and eventually selling, illegal iguanas.  Rojo can hardly be contained.

Edge: The Venezuelan

Ron Swanson. Do I need to say anymore?  If you haven’t seen NBC’s Parks and Recreation I highly recommend it.  Ron is a man’s man.  His ‘stache  is the one we should be fearing.

Edge: Don’t mess with Ron

Now that is a mustache. You know you’re doing something right when your fans dress like this to watch you pitch. Who are the guys on the right? If you don’t know, maybe you should stop reading and start watching The Office. Jim, Dwight, and Michael are three of my closest friends and should be yours, too.

Edge: Dunder Mifflin

So maybe Derek’s mustache can’t yet compete with some of the great mustaches of our time.  But that didn’t stop him last night.